True Crime Labrynth: Maura Murray

Something Bad Happened’, Oxygens 5th episode of ‘The Disappearance of Maura Murray’, aired on October 21. Although there is still no sign or trace of Maura(yet), the team has gotten more answers thus far than EVER! Jeff Williams, (Former Cheif P.D of Haverhill) finally speaks out, and we also hear more from Frank Murray and other important figures in the search for Maura. There are more in-depth discussions between Lance Reenstierna, Tim Pilleri, Maggie Freeling and Art Roderick. They are all putting every single investigative skill that they have to work. The way all of their minds brilliantly work together shows the dedication to thoroughly and expertly find answers. I am interested to see if James Renner may reevaluate his stance on what HE thinks happened, now that new interviews have been given. What is Maura’s family thinking right now? Do they have a glimmer of hope now, at least for some sort of closure?

This episode contained a lot of information and covered a lot of areas. Maps and timelines were explained, some theories were dismissed and some new ones were introduced. Cecil Smith still seems like a suspicious character, but sometimes people just APPEAR that way on camera or under scrutiny. Officer Monahan, whom sat down with Maggie Freeling and Art Roderick during episode 3, stated, on camera that when he arrived at the scene, officer Cecil Smith was there, WITH BUTCH ATTWOOD, who was “searching the woods”. This key detail seems so important as I haven’t heard Cecil Smith discuss this yet. Most documented accounts say Attwood went home and stayed there. Monahan seemed the most truthful in his accounts, with Smith seeming LESS reliable than Jeff Williams did. I really don’t think he was on the scene. I agree with Maggie that the police department isn’t involved DIRECTLY, (although the way they handled the entire case was a mess). Smith and Attwood remain on my radar as possible suspects.

I still don’t think Maura committed suicide. The packing of her birth control, her books, even taking a test the day prior- all seem to indicate that she planned on continuing her studies. She was emotionally unstable and depressed, but I think she may have been strong enough to get through it. The fact that her scent is lost by tracking dogs in the middle of the street makes me think that whatever blipped Maura off the radar happened right there. Could Attwood have put an unconscious Maura into his (unsearched) school bus? Or even an awake Maura, telling her to hide in there until the next day to avoid being in the cold? He and his wife could have HELPED her escape if she told them it was DV related, as Renner has suggested. I do wish that they would have used the tracking dogs with Maggie getting into a vehicle and then sitting in it at the Attwood location and other local ‘hot spots’, just to see if they can still follow the scent to her, even with that short little car trip.

Briana Maitlands’ disappearance was compared to Mauras, and the facts of both women’s case are eerily similar. Both disappeared, leaving a crashed vehicle and not many clues. Briana disappeared on 3/19/2004 in Montgomery, Vermont. She was small framed, dark-haired, attractive and athletic. As the map below shows, Maitland and Murrays abduction sites were not that far from each other. Just as chilling as the similarity of appearance, is the diagram that shows other missing person cases in that area.


The disappearance of 10-year-old Holly Piirainen who disappeared in 1993, her body found 3 months later, and 16-year-old Molly Bisch, abducted in 1999, 10 miles away from Holly’s abduction site, her body found three years later, further illustrates how easily someone can disappear without a trace. Is there something behind the conspiracy theory of a serial killer? There are so MANY unsolved disappearances and murders all over the world that, statistically speaking, murderers probably walk amongst us often. Serial killers are typically experts of camouflage, successfully raising families and having ‘normal’ lives, never being found. They are true wolves in sheep’s clothing.

John Smith, a former police officer, has gone to extreme lengths to try and get answers for Maura’s family. Smith followed up on a few theories of his own (not dismissing the potential for a serial killer). His search brought up 2 local brothers who lived 1 mile from where Maura disappeared. Speculation was that they took Maura from the scene and killed her at their residence. Apparently, one of the two men said that he thought the other may be involved in Maura’s case. He actually called Fred Murray and said he found a knife with blood on it, in his brothers’ vehicle. John Smith obtained the knife, it was then given to Fred Murray, and Fred gave it to the police. The police initially refused to take it into evidence, however, eventually, they accepted it. In 2006, the owner of the newly vacated home of the brothers in question allowed John to do his own investigation of the property. Cadaver dogs flagged human remains in an upstairs closet, carpet samples obtained are in also in police custody, with the knife. The police department states that the “testing is not available to the public at this time.” I’m assuming that this is to preserve any evidence should they file criminal charges of a suspect.


In 2016 Mr. Smith was joined by Tim and Lance for a segment on their podcast. They all returned to the home of those brothers, and during that search, (inside the same closet that cadaver dogs flagged a body), they (possibly) found blood on the interior wood frame. While talking to Maggie, Smith tells her that he still possesses the wood chips they took from the scene. Oxygens team brings in a forensic DNA specialist to sample these chips, to test for blood and, maybe an eventual DNA match. As the credits roll it appears that the test may be suggestive of blood. Ending the episode on this note leaves me desperate for what is yet to come next week, and hopeful that this is the breakthrough that finally leads to closure.


FYI-In recapping these episodes there will be spoilers- and theories of my own. None of these theories are accusations and I, in no way, have enough information to point the finger at anyone. All pictures in this blog are owned by Oxygen.

For more information, or to help find Maura, please refer to the following links.

As always, if you have information on Maura Murry, Please refer to the information listed on her flyer.






Protected: Ashes, Ashes;We All Fall Down…

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What will be, will be.

Today I choose to be happy. I choose to be kind. I choose to embrace the moment and cherish every laugh and every tear… whatever the situation may be.




Love Thyself

I just realized that I finally have the happy, ‘normal’ family I’ve been craving all of my life. I’ve just been letting way too many outside factors, and worries get in the way of truly enjoying the special moments each day has to offer; allowing these factors to prevent me from really feeling all of the love, support and blessings I have shining my way.
I’ve realized that I cant control ANY of these negative factors (or people!) that throw curve balls my way, but I CAN refuse to let them stand in the way of allowing MYSELF to feel loved. And to give LOVE 100 percent.
Yes, I have lived, and SURVIVED, horrific and sad things during my lifetime…. but, tragically, so has the majority of the world.
I am not alone.(Neither are YOU 😉 )
I will continue to struggle thru this thing we call life right alongside the rest of the world. We are all going to experience life and death. Its a fact. At some point during our lives, something tragic WILL happen. This is an unfortunate reality as well.
Everyone’s level of trauma can only be measured by the person experiencing it right at that moment. That quote:  ‘we all have a story’ is an incredibly wise statement. At least, in my opinion 🙂
Every human being (excluding the hopefully thriving hidden tribes/species of the world) experiences the same world events. We all witnessed 9-11 and the after effects, we all experienced the earthquake in Nepal together, we all hear the headlines about murdered children, war, crashed planes e.t.c.
Add what we see in the worldwide headlines to what we are each experiencing individually it is no wonder that we often lose our sense of compassion and empathy for individuals outside of our social circles. Its also not surprising that many of us lose compassion and empathy for OURSELVES.
Losing self-respect and self-love could be the root of many of our internal struggles/personal problems. We need to forgive OURSELVES when we screw up and continue to love ourselves despite the fuck ups. One bad mistake does not make a bad person. We can either blame everyone else for our mistakes, or we can own up to them and work on learning from and not repeating our discretions. Life happens. It doesn’t give us permission to hate ourselves (or one another) for it.
There is so much HATE in the world without the need to hate ourselves people… I truly believe that the humans out there purposely killing and hurting other humans are the ones whose hearts hate themselves completely. Once you give up hope on yourself and are incapable of feeling any feeling other than hate, despair and anger…Once you start actively enjoying hurting others in any way… I think you’re pretty much a lost cause. There are lines human beings just instinctively know shouldn’t be crossed, yet, we (we being humans worldwide) continue to cross over them
‘We’ murder, torture ,rape, mutilate, abuse, hate and hurt one another and other living creatures daily.  Its sickening.
‘We’ watch the headlines, gossip about others and their tragedies and think ‘Oh, how sad,’ ‘That’s awful, someone should do something,’ ‘If so-and-so did this or that things would/could have been different’ or even ‘Its not MY fault…’
‘We’ can allow all of those outside things into our lives, sit back and do nothing, let people trample all over us and let our hearts become bitter, OR ‘we’ can choose to help others when we can, say sorry when we’re wrong, stop hating our neighbors when we know nothing of their lives, choose kindness and compassion whenever and with whoever we can and just be…gentle. Inward and outward.
Only individually can we make a conscious choice to tackle our own personal demons. (we all have them, Even you Mr. Pope) Only individually can we keep ourselves from forming opinions and from hating/hurting/discounting/dismissing others.
Its time ‘We’ begin to focus on our own hearts/minds/souls.
Wake the fuck up people. We’re going to screw up. That’s a fact. No one is perfect. Sorry Kimye, Not even you. We’re all the damn same regardless of religion, race, nationality, income, political party, disability, ability or location on the fucking planet.
We ALL want to survive. It is only our ideas/methods of survival that causes a divide. Our choices and actions further separate us as life goes on. And it goes on. With or without you, me or any other living thing living in it.
The question is, how many of us are actually living? I can honestly say, up until very, very recently I sure wasn’t. I’ve spent the last 32 years of my life merely SURVIVING. I don’t know that I’ve ever actually LIVED at all during this time.
So that brings me back to the imperfect topic I began with. Me. My heart. My family. My LIFE at this moment. I’ve faced many heartaches and probably have much more around the corner. I struggle to put food on the table like every other average  American. I have experienced loss and love, violence and many, many painful moments. I’ll probably never be able to go on a vacation or know what its like to own my own home or car… I think for most of ‘us’ this is the sad reality of life. Real world shit aside I’ve also experienced MANY blessings, felt true love and been shown genuine kindness and selflessness in the flesh.That, in my very humbled opinion, trumps any materialistic ‘thing’, ever.
There are people out there at this very second in active war/disaster zones. There are parents trying to find clean drinking water, people being tortured for war and terroristic purposes and sadly, even for joy. My personal tragedies will never, ever compare to what people are living thru RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.
My heart bleeds for the human race…
I can NOT change the bigger picture, but I can change ME. I can actively try to heal from the past, forgive myself, forgive others and accept that I’m not a bad person. I’m worth something to the most important people in my life.(i.e., my children and husband), I matter to my circle, my ‘people’ if you will… I need to allow myself to matter more to ME. It’s almost like I’ve suddenly realized that I actually deserve to feel… whole.
A whole me can only lead to a happy me, and a happy me will absolutely be a better mother, wife… human. I deserve a happy, healed, whole heart. With this ‘healed, happy me’ I can potentially help the hearts of others some day. Even if I can help only one human being/creature during my life time, then my past and present heartaches and traumas will be worth it.
Hello enlightenment. I’ve been waiting for you. 🙂

The Awakening Of Jen…

The Awakening Of Jen…

So, this is my first official blog entry. I tend to use my Facebook status as a diary, and I really need to chill with that shit. Lol.

It seems I have always been better able to write my thoughts and feelings than express myself vocally. This is more than likely due to my sordid adolescence and traumatic life experiences. Sometimes writing things down was the only way to stay sane. The only place I wouldn’t be judged or belittled…There were times I had access to paper and pencils and nothing more. Journaling seems to be one of the only consistent places where I can allow myself to be… me.

Even in elementary school my friends and I would furiously write notes back and forth, documenting our complaints and crushes, our highs and lows. Middle school would bring the pre-teen drama of anonymous letters stuck in lockers professing love and hate. High school letters were written in secret codes with secret nicknames so no one could prove we were the authors should any crushes, adults or ‘enemies’ find our naughty curse-word laden letters. We conspired for sleepovers and first kisses; sometimes being tardy to a class, just so we could go to detention and write back and forth to each other.

Deep, meaningful conversations were had in those letters. We were, speaking for myself, extremely vulnerable in those letters to one another.  Sometimes those letters were the only way I could openly talk about my troubled life outside of school. Our letters were often my only outlet to release some of the pain and shame of my past and present circumstances.

One of my girlfriends gave me a journal for a birthday. My friends (many of whom are still as important as ever in my life to this very day) each wrote a letter to me within it. This cherished book would be the first of many journals in my life. I would carry them with me in my backpack everywhere I went and  made sure that regardless of where I was in life I always moved them with me. 16 years later I still have most of them intact and tucked away for (hopefully) my children to find only AFTER I’ve moved on from this life. I would be mortified otherwise lol. In complete honesty, there was one journal that I burned many years later. That one contained intimate things that I could never chance anyone in my life finding. The shame would have never gone away.

Don’t get me wrong; Its not like I have a million journals. There would be dark periods of my life where I physically could not keep a journal out of fear for my life. There were times were I got caught up with my daily life and there would be stretches, sometimes lasting years, where I didn’t write at all. Emails would become my easiest way to communicate and then eventually facebook would enter the world. It would become habitual for myself to air my dirty laundry on facebook, sometimes really upsetting people in the process. Id end up feeling embarrassed the next day but, as most of us know, once some things’ out there on the web…

There were years of my life during a very abusive marriage, where I was told what to write and what to post and basically how my facebook ‘life’ was to appear. If I wasn’t censored enough Id pay the price, and eventually the ‘price’ would become too much to bear. So I conformed, faked happiness, presented fake smiles and a picture of a generally normal, happy marriage. Only on paper I was able to really express the horrors of what life was REALLY like behind our closed doors. Even in attempts at marriage counseling and therapy I had to be censored and careful.

One eventful evening that man found my secret journal and I paid for it… for a very, very long time. That journal was torn to shreds in an angry rant and I lost my desire to journal for many, many years. Nine years to be exact. I only started to dabble in journaling again about four months ago. My current husband purchased me a blank book, and with the encouragement of my therapist, I began to consider putting pen to paper again. (This same therapist also suggested art therapy, and, much to my surprise, I found peace behind a paintbrush or immersed in an art project. He changed my life with that piece of advice.)

The appeal of journaling in the format of years past seemed daunting and I honestly put it off for quite a bit. Then I got sick. Really sick. I had no idea if my days were limited or if I would make it thru one particularly harrowing Fall season. I got better, Thank you God, but suddenly I felt like I had so much living to do. And so many things left unsaid to my children and other people in my life.

I just didn’t know how to get started…

One day while browsing Pinterest (A website I adore btw) I stumbled across an art journal board and became immersed in the world of what some, (and myself,) call a Smash Book. Suddenly I knew how to get started. I pinned some ideas and went out to get markers and glue finally began to Smash. I’ll never look back at journaling the same way again.

My Smash Book is something I adore. I am learning more about myself within its’ pages than I ever have before. I almost feel as if my spirit has started to come alive again. Thru its pages I’m unlocking places inside of myself that have been closed off since I was a child. I’m discovering new desires and I actually have hope for the future. I’m… beginning to enjoy life in person AND on paper… possibly for the first time since I was a child.

This personal growth and healing that I’ve been doing in the past six months, regardless of negative factors in my life, has left me feeling empowered, brave and… hopeful. Trust me when I say that these are feelings I don’t EVER recall experiencing before now. Of course there are happy memories in my past… but there has always been some sort of horrific event lurking in the shadows.

As of today, I am HAPPY, SAFE…PROTECTED. I feel loved and supported by my bestfriend/partner, and I have formed some amazingly strong connections with extremely supportive people. I have been able to SPEAK UP about my past, I have found people who offer a sympathetic ear and advice that makes me feel more complete than ever.

I feel a network of love and all of this has helped me find that VOICE I never really had before. I’ve caught myself sticking up for myself and I’m starting to see that it is ok to defend yourself when you are being torn down. Im… awakening.

This ‘voice’, I’m finding, is incredibly opinionated and stubborn, albeit compassionate and non-judgmental. I’m not very filtered, yet I’m still incredibly emotional and sometimes I completely screw up and say the wrong thing. Life truly isn’t a box of peaches for us, however, Im learning this is ok and normal. We’re human. When we screw up… we can either learn from it or we can keep repeating the same shit over and over.

Recently a new friend suggested that I write. My Smash book is an amazing space for my self expression and it is something that continues to be very important to me. However the idea of writing again has seemed to be lingering in the back of my mind. The Smash book just didn’t seem to quite answer that calling and the idea of blogging caught my attention. I did some research and well, that brings me right here. To this very moment.

I have no idea what I’m doing and I doubt any of the this will be significant to anyone other than myself and potentially one day my children and grandchildren. That said, to whomever is still even reading this at this point, Welcome. 🙂

If you plan on sticking around, thanks for joining me in my journey to self discovery 🙂


My treasured Smash book <3